Really missin my bump…

  
I so hope I get a little baby in my belly this month. I miss being able to feel him flopping around, and I miss being able to keep him safe and warm inside of me. There’s just something about growing a human that can’t be described. Pregnancy is  and amazing. So, enjoy my reminiscent bump pics, and wish me luck!

Well here I am, pissing on sticks again.

It’s been an interesting week, to say the least. I found out my sister in law was pregnant and had a meltdown and decided it wasn’t meant for me to ever get pregnant again. Then, she goes to the ER for cramps and finds out its an ectopic pregnancy and ends up in surgery at 1 a.m. I am absolutely heartbroken for her, and slightly terrified of the same thing happening to me if I do get pregnant again. There are literally a million things that can go wrong and end a pregnancy. It’s mind boggling and I would be lieing if I said I wasn’t scared about it. I’ve been beyond blessed to have had 1 pregnancy that resulted in a happy healthy baby 39 weeks later, and I feel like I’m pushing my luck… Does that make sense?

Anyway, I had my progesterone checked on CD 20 and it was a whopping 6.0. The jury is still out on whether or not that is a level that indicates ovulation in an unmedicated cycle according to my google research. But, I’m going to assume I O’d but not very “strongly” since I did get several positive OPK’s. So now we wait for AF. I’ve tested since 10 DPO and everything has been negative. My boobs are massive and feel like I would imagine porn star boobs feel like, but other than that I don’t really have anything I can call symptoms. It’s not over til it’s over though, right?! 

  Anybody see a line? No?! Me either 😳

All Systems Go

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If you don’t know what you’re looking at, they’re ovulation tests. They detect a surge in the hormone LH, which indicates you will likely ovulate in the next 24-48 hours. A positive test will have a test line (right side) that is darker than or equal to the control line. I have a short cycle (26-27) days, so instead of the standard CD 14 ovulation, mine comes on day 12.

I should be excited… I should be so relieved to have a regular reliable cycle and the ability to ovulate on my own. And though i am excited, a little part of me can’t help but feel guilty. I feel so downhearted to think that something that comes so easy for some, many women are going through hell to achieve. I’ve been beyond blessed to have a child and I can only hope and pray that I’m blessed with another. But I want everyone to experience it. It’s not fair that a level headed woman who has her shit together and wants nothing more than to bring life into the world has to struggle for years before her dreams come true. It’s just not fair… But alas, I’m about to ovulate.

I’m going to have blood work on cycle day 19 to confirm that I’m indeed ovulating on my own. But in the meantime my husband is one happy man 🙈. More updates to come!!

Let the Baby Dancing Commence

I can’t believe I’m back here already… It seems like just yesterday I was TTC for the first time. P is 13 months old, and if I’m going to be successful with my 2 year gap plan, it’s time to get back on the horse.

If you’ve not followed my journey, we tried unsuccessfully for 7 months for our first baby and got lucky on our 8th cycle. The 8th cycle was our 1st medicated cycle, 100 mg of Clomid gave me my sweet little P. I went back to my OB/GYN last month and got the all clear to get started on #2. She went ahead and prescribed 100 mg of Clomid and told me she had no problem with going straight to meds since I would probably need it anyway. Clomid made me a crazy bitch last time around. There’s no sugar coating it, it made me insane… I beat my dog and I will probably never forgive myself for that. So, naturally I’m not looking forward to taking Clomid again. I decided to try 1 unmedicated cycle before going back on fertility meds.

So that’s where we’re at. I’m on cycle day 8, and expect to ovulate on the 29th. We started bd’ing last night (and this morning :)) , and plan to continue every other day. AF should come on Feb. 12th… So hopefully I will get a precious little V-Day gift with a BFP! I’m very hopeful, but I don’t expect this month to be successful. It would be amazing if it were that easy, but I don’t expect it to work out that way. You will probably be hearing about my Clomid confessions next month! I’ve not taken an OPK since last time I was TTC so we are going on the assumption that I am still ovulating on my own. I will have blood work on cycle day 21 to confirm that! I’m going to do my best to keep you updated on this journey, but life with P gets pretty crazy!!!

The Plan

We have decided we definitely want to welcome a new baby sooner, rather than later. The company I work for gives all vacation/sick/personal time on January 1st. So, I would like to go on maternity leave as close to the end of the year, without going into the new year as possible… If that makes any sense. With P I was on maternity leave from December 1st to January 28th and lost all of my paid time off. That made the past year really difficult since I didn’t want to miss any of his first Dr appointments, or leave him when he was sick. Definitely not making that mistake again! The second factor in the plan is the Aflac policy I just took out, that goes into effect on January 1st. According to my Aflac rep, if I give birth after November 1st of 2016 I will be covered for the birth and hospital stay, and get a nice payout!

So, if I’m going to have a baby in 2016 it needs to be a November baby. Which makes February the month I will need to conceive. Since P was a 1st try Clomid baby I’m praying I will have the same luck this time around… I really want to get pregnant in February. P would be 23 months old when the new baby arrived, which is as close to perfect as you can get to the 2 year age gap I’ve always imagined my babies would have. I can’t believe I’m about to start this journey again already, but I’m thrilled about the possibility of baby #2!

-and then there were 4… Or maybe not.

Hubby and I have been tossing around the idea of baby #2 for a couple of months. He wants a bunch of kids (3+) and I only want 2. After P was born we decided to go with a 4 year age gap, so P would be starting school when baby #2 came along. My mother in law keeps P and my niece while hubby and I and my brother and sister in law work. So out of respect for our free babysitter, I think it would be best to wait til the oldest are starting school to have another. Clearly that plan isn’t going to work out… We have both realized we want our kids to be closer in age. Just how close we want them has yet to be determined.

I always imagined I would just know when it was time to have another baby, like I would check the mail and get a little postcard that said “Its that time!” or something… Apparently that’s not how it works? I’m truly in limbo about it. One day I’m consumed by baby fever and cry just thinking about a sweet little newborn, or a baby bump. Other days, the reality of life with 2 kids and a full time job gets me overwhelmed and I wonder if I could even handle it. Then I realize how much older P would be once the new baby arrived and it all seems so simple. We can afford a second child, and could swing daycare or another babysitter if we had to, so there is really nothing holding us back.

So here we are… NTNP. (That’s not trying, not preventing for you TTC newbs!) I guess we will see where this takes us, and let God and chance make this decision. 🙂

Disconnected- Depression & Pregnancy

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety on and off for most of my life. I’ve only recently realized how much mental illness impacted some of the best times of my life, and I hope that by putting this in writing I will be able to help someone get the help they need sooner than I did.

As you know from previous posts, I had some trouble conceiving. The moment we found out we were going to have a baby I was genuinely happy… But it quickly faded. I rarely felt like my miracle baby was growing inside of me… I was just pregnant, like pregnancy was just a 40 week stage of my life. I remember thinking it wasn’t real on a daily basis. There was no way I had gotten pregnant, there was no way a child that was created by my wonderful husband and I was growing inside of me… There was no way this was real.

I loved my baby dearly from the very moment I found out I was pregnant. Don’t get that wrong. I was, and will forever be grateful for the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. But I was disconnected. I wasn’t able to enjoy my pregnancy, even after my infertility struggle. I felt like it was all a dream and I was going to wake up any moment… I didn’t want to get too excited and jinx it or something I guess?

I spent 39 weeks and 3 days waiting to wake of from this pregnancy dream. I’m convinced that it would have been a completely different experience if I hadn’t been suffering from depression. I wish so badly that I had been able to feel connected with my little man while he grew within my womb. I didn’t talk to my Dr about the way I was feeling until P was 9 months old. I am taking an antidepressant now, and I honestly feel like a completely different person. I can feel now. Mental illness of any sort isn’t anything to be ashamed of. More people are suffering than you can imagine, please get help if you’re one of them. Don’t waste the greatest experiences in your life by being unable to enjoy them.