I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety on and off for most of my life. I’ve only recently realized how much mental illness impacted some of the best times of my life, and I hope that by putting this in writing I will be able to help someone get the help they need sooner than I did.
As you know from previous posts, I had some trouble conceiving. The moment we found out we were going to have a baby I was genuinely happy… But it quickly faded. I rarely felt like my miracle baby was growing inside of me… I was just pregnant, like pregnancy was just a 40 week stage of my life. I remember thinking it wasn’t real on a daily basis. There was no way I had gotten pregnant, there was no way a child that was created by my wonderful husband and I was growing inside of me… There was no way this was real.
I loved my baby dearly from the very moment I found out I was pregnant. Don’t get that wrong. I was, and will forever be grateful for the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. But I was disconnected. I wasn’t able to enjoy my pregnancy, even after my infertility struggle. I felt like it was all a dream and I was going to wake up any moment… I didn’t want to get too excited and jinx it or something I guess?
I spent 39 weeks and 3 days waiting to wake of from this pregnancy dream. I’m convinced that it would have been a completely different experience if I hadn’t been suffering from depression. I wish so badly that I had been able to feel connected with my little man while he grew within my womb. I didn’t talk to my Dr about the way I was feeling until P was 9 months old. I am taking an antidepressant now, and I honestly feel like a completely different person. I can feel now. Mental illness of any sort isn’t anything to be ashamed of. More people are suffering than you can imagine, please get help if you’re one of them. Don’t waste the greatest experiences in your life by being unable to enjoy them.